I’m late, I’m late, I’m always fucking late. And why shouldn’t I be?!
Let’s face it. I’m ill. I have been for longer than I want to admit. Physically? A little but nothing major, nothing a form will have me written off work for, but mentally, I’ll be honest and I should have been honest about it a lot sooner. I believe it’s trauma based so a lot less severe than most, but I’m not sure. I think I’ve seen things like this, gone untreated, develop. You see, the brain has a plasticity. Once your body stops growing at the age of twenty five or so, your brain can either deteriorate or grow. Certain things become more difficult (spelling and mathematics for me) and certain things become more refined (puzzles and problem solving for me). I see things in a different way. My inner vision continues to grow apparently without my full understanding of it. At times it feels like a second sight, but maybe it’s more like a world growing inside me and I really hope that it has some kind of meaning or worth at some point like poignant book or film or story or narrative. People you’ve never known, who live in my skull like type writer girl or the heartless or the dead girl who is rather more interesting than you might think, keep growing, collecting life experience while gaining no real life significance. If I mentioned them to you in the detail that they appear in my head you would tell me I’m crazy, which is clearly a state of mind. A perspective.
Although, on another note I am, however slightly, struggling with mental illness. Depression ,no I’m not a teenage girl, but you can image I am if it helps, and anxiety, again not a teenage girl. I get the sense that if we all took a moment to allow each-other the concession of mental illness things would be a little easier. No it is not okay to lash out. Yes there should be more forgiveness if you look unhappy for a whole day. No you should not under any circumstance concede to physical violence, yes you should be allowed to change work station under the same pay grade and similar skill-set if you have a moral obligation that is raising your blood pressure.
Society forces us to die a little on the inside every day and we accept this because we want the benefit it provides. Perhaps we were better off undomesticated. As someone who’s whole life has been dedicated to obsessing over love, the experience of societal life and the city, the heights of technology and the achievements of man, I’m not sure I really want to know. I always felt grateful that as a little boy with asthma ridiculed for not being able to do a pushup properly, for not being a mans man like my father, that I could stay in and play video games. So now here I am playing with video footage, I’m still kinda thin, not too ugly, miss my father’s influence, glad to have a wonderful mother, hoping to grow. And just hoping to be something more than a couple of frames on a web page somewhere out nowwhere.
Conscience will be done as soon as possible. At the moment, I’m working on a few audio blips and then it’s visual grading to give it some polish. And with God’s good graces, we will be making more.
“I’m taking a look at the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways” Siedah Garrett (made famous by Michael Jackson)